Getting There

Well Poucher, you are not going to believe this my old mate, but there I was with Prue Bags and the kids in Atlanta, Georgia, USA when we got a call from your great friend Kate telling us to hop on a plane and get ourselves over to China, where she had a country full of kids busting to hear more about you Poucher. Well, Kate has drawn you more times than you have had hot dinners, and you don’t argue with Kate, so away we went. And I thought you would get a kick out of hearing all about the adventure.

Now cop this Poucher – we had a farewell gin and tonic in Atlanta with the gang, a chardonnay in Chicago where we changed flights, eight hours sleep on the twelve hour American Airlines flight to Beijing and a welcoming bloody mary when we arrived at the Opposite House Hotel in Beijing – all within the space of 24 hours – how cool is that? Even better, the hotel receptionist was called Maria, and oh boy, was she a saucy little number.

On top of all that, waiting for us in our room was the itinerary prepared by Kate for the first day, plus a beautiful turquoise necklace to welcome Prue Bags to China – isn’t that typical of your famous little artist?

Day 1

You know the drum with old Bill, Poucher – no breakfasts unless they are freebies. So up and out we had to get to breakfast at The Bookworm Bookshop. No bad thing really because we were going to do our first reading there two days later. Nice brekkie – good scrambled eggs.

Kate doesn’t muck about Poucher – she and Prue Bags disappeared in a twinkling to see the studios where Kate and Annalise used to do their monthly Residencies and to meet with the lovely Miss Chou, whilst Bill guided me to the local markets. Crikey, what an experience.

Within seconds we were mobbed by all these seriously pretty girls. You know Bill’s a good looking brute, but not your mate Big Guy, so it was pretty flattering. Turns out they were trying to sell us stuff, and before you could say “kookaburra” Bill had bought four shirts, three shorts and two pairs of shoes.

The girls had me in these beaut black velvet slippers with big silver LV buckles – seriously mate – genuine Louis Vuitton slippers for only twenty bucks – and then I thought of the pizzling I would get from you and a couple of the blokes back home and knocked them back. The girls chased me all down the street.

The ladies lunched with Miss Chou and then shot through to have their hair done for the big cocktail party that night at the hotel, and what a turn it was.

It was hosted by this real heavy, Brian Wallace, who runs the famous Red Gate Gallery in Beijing, and a top bloke he is. Everyone was there who counts. Kate knew every single person and you could see they were all busting their guts to say g’day to Kate. She introduced us to heaps of guys, including the ex Aussie ambassador, Geoff Raby, a good bloke who clearly had done a top job as ambassador.

We also met his companion, Shirley, a famous Chinese TV star. I think she was wearing a cheongsam; tight little outfits, and you would have a bit of trouble scratching yourself if you got an itch.

Next thing you know two male models wearing a sign that said “Don’t touch the models” wheeled in this huge wheelbarrow filled with ice and the biggest champagne bottle you have ever seen in your life. By the look of our gorgeous receptionist Maria the next morning she had clearly disobeyed the “Don’t Touch” instruction – but still gorgeous and as bright as a button.

Finally, downstairs to dinner wearing tattoos on both cheeks (one guitar and one bear) which I had picked up at the party. They looked awesome according to the maître d’, Reto Kister, and the ex Ambassador and Shirley.

Holy Guacamole Poucher, what a day. Jet lag? Blown away!

Day 2

Day 2 did not start well, old friend. I had washed on day 1 and hung in the bathroom the smartest new pair of undies, purchased at David Jones Gentlemen’s Outfitters in Sydney. Gone – disappeared – thrown out with the towels. What a shocker. As you can imagine, we soon had Maria, the General Manger and many others on the job.

Whisked away by Kate to the Dirt Markets, acres of tiny little stalls with all these ones trying to eke out a living. Crickey Poucher, bit of a change from the Burrawang markets back home. Well, the girls ripped in, and only Kate could carry a million bags into the back streets of Beijing and find a taxi.

The taxi took us to this dinky di little dumpling restaurant, one of Kate’s favourites, not a foreigner in sight – bloody hard to keep a dumpling on your chopsticks Poucher.

On to a pub for happy hour – two drinks for the price of one, mate – with three ace people – two young Aussies, Lissie and Tim, and their Pommy mate, Nicola. You have to hand it to Kate. Two quick G&T’s and she’s off – did a runner and left our guests to pay the bill – cool!

Fair enough, we did have to get to the Temple for dinner where we were entertaining our host of the night before, Brian Wallace, the famous Aussie artist Jayne Dyer and another good bloke, Reg Newitt.

The Temple? Holy G – a European restaurant inside the Songzhu Temple, a 600 year old Buddhist temple which is to be converted into a hotel – reckon you would get planning approval for that in Sydney?

Top company, top tucker, top night. And do you know what? Just before the cognac that beaut girl Jayne said she had great friends who had just finished building this enormous chateau in France, and invited the four of us to come and stay there with her and her friends. How nice is that?

Something I should share with you here Poucher – they pour very large cognacs in China and at the next table were 16 or so of the leading international journalists in Beijing, including an Aussie or two with names like Garnaut. Well, what with one thing and another, I found myself telling them all about Poucher and Big Guy and giving them the old kookaburra call. I reckon it made the Aussies amongst them quite homesick and proud to be Australians.

Day 3

Fresh as a daisy next morning, we are off to The Bookworm for the first reading.

Oh my goodness Poucher, a room full of mainly Chinese kids and even your mate Sandy Pratten with a few members of her Aussie tour group. Well, you know Kate. Before you could say “Platypus” she had her drawings of you and me all over the room, more Pouchers and boomerangs, koala bears climbing up the wall – she is a legend that girl. Then that beaut person Jayne Dyer introduced us with some awesome words and away we went. Even you would have blushed at what she said Poucher, and blushing kangaroos is a pretty funny sight. I make a few noises, Kate gives a fantastic power point presentation, and then I read one of the stories. Crickey Poucher, I reckon you would be real proud.

I think even Sandy Pratten’s oldies enjoyed it, but two of the kids were so excited they peed their pants – I kid you not. Great fun for me and Kate, and how cool of the Bookworm bosses, Alex Pearson and Katie (?) to give us a crack at it.

I thought a bloke had earned some time off, but not on your nellie. Flat out like a lizard drinking we were. Arvo tea with yet another famous star Donnelle, in her hutong. Hutong, mate, is a very narrow street, so a hutong home is a dinky di Chinese house in a tiny street. What a house. What a fascinating person.

I had to pee at one stage, and just couldn’t stand up in the loo. Every public toilet in China has a sign that says “Please Aim Carefully”. I aimed carefully in Donnelle’s house, dead set.

There was a nice Aussie bird there called Margaret who hands out 3 month holiday visas at the Embassy. She was previously in India. You know how Indians come here on 3 month holiday visas and then nick off illegally and drive taxis? She reckons she is personally responsible for every Indian cabbie in Oz.

But Poucher, the best is yet to come. Off then to the National Centre for Performing Arts. If you thought the Sydney Opera House would make a top little dairy you should cop this one. Just awesome. And we saw Vertical Road, danced by the Akram Khan Company. Holy G! I know you fancy yourself as a dancer, Poucher, but you should check out this bloke Akram Khan. Unreal.

And just time for a quick bite of Japanese before bed.

Day 4

Tuckered out? Just starting: To the famous Red Gate Gallery, whose curator is of course our now good friend, Brian Wallace. Google it, mate, what an awesome gallery it is. On the first of its three floors the current exhibition was “Red Road Paintings” by Chen Ke. I’m a simple son of the soil Poucher, but even I was gob smacked.

Could have spent all day there, but Kate was on the track of another dumpling lunch. Smarter venue, dumplings just as good. Just as well we didn’t over eat, because we were entertaining that night at Capital M, a stunner of a restaurant overlooking Tian’anmen Square, created by Michelle Garnaut, married I reckon to my new journalist mate.

Our guests included Hugh Kater, a beaut Aussie guy who is now General Manager of the China Carbon Forum in Beijing (yep!) and John Byrne, the librarian at the Western Academy Beijing – known as WAB – where we were about to read. John had with him Chris Smith, a pommy children’s author and entertainer, who was also to be on show at WAB – pretty intimidating for me and Kate I can tell you.

We sat outside and looked down on Tian’anmen Square – super cool, and super freezing too. They decked us out in pashminas and orange blankets – we looked like proper geese, but we were warm.

And wouldn’t you know it – we walk in and Esplin the maître d’ is yet another old mate of Bill and Kate – having met him two years earlier at a restaurant in another part of China with a ripper family from Oz, the Peels.

Day 5

No sign yet of my undies – we have by now enlisted even the Food and Beverage manager of The Opposite House; he is sure to put his finger on them.

This is the big one – WAB – seven classes of 45 minutes each. Crickey – but great fun and John Byrne shepherded us graciously throughout the day. He even arranged for poor Prue Bags and Bill to have a tour of the school. WAB is one of the major international schools in Beijing, large and really impressive. Very smart students – amongst all the questions one asked “Do you exaggerate a little?” – really Poucher, I ask you!

A special day for us – and we even bumped into Lissie (who is a parent there) who we stuck with the G&T bill when we did a runner. She’s happy – she slipped the bill to Nicole.

You reckon Kate’s tired after that? Settle down. WAB is just round the corner from where Kate had a studio once, so we nicked round there, and met in their separate studios, a Canadian bloke and an Iranian lady who are both doing residences. Most especially, we met Han Qing, much admired by Kate and the world generally, whose eerie “Night Trip” scenes in blue are just gripping.

And here comes dinner, tonight with John Bishop and his partner, Pauline, who is yet another star of the Beijing art world. John is a pommy lawyer and looks a bit like one until you spend two seconds with him and discover what a beaut bloke he is. Pauline is an Aussie from the bush whose brothers try and drink John under the table on his Aussie visits, and they have got Buckley’s (as in nil) chance.

Down we went to LM Plus, the owner Massimo said “Leave the choice of food and wine to me”, and away we go. Bill and I elected to pay for the wine, and John the food. No wonder the pommies won two world wars.

John and Pauline told us they have just finished building this enormous chateau in France and invited the four of us to stay. We told them their close friend Jayne had already invited us. Boy were they excited.